Parenting - Relationship Before Rules By Dr Robi Sondereger
Dr Robi Sonderegger
Growth Lab Parenting (1)
#GROWTHLAB #NL #2020
The same principal are applied in business and parenting. Invest to our children. Cultivated happy and healthy family. Grow together. It’s not just an information. Do apply what we did learn.
Parenting is little bit trial and error. Don't beating ourself up with the error. There’s no are such thing of perfect parenting. Pride comes before fall. Children keep us humble. No such thing perfect
Pursued excellent.
Perfection = religious behavior. Do actually what it said - superiority.
Excellent = attitude by humility. Learn from mistake.
Life long learner. With those particular attitude, will be always improve.
What you learn today will take root in your family. And you will hungry to learn more.
Rules before relationships, results in resentment and rebellion.
However..
Relationship before rules results in respect
If we have relationship first, their behavior will follow. We don't want to talk exclusively in the behavior. Grab this living heart and everything will fall in the place. They want to do what you said, because its outworking your respect. You can give without loving, but you cant love without giving.
Outpouring gratitude that will follow. Don't be so concern what your child what to do, but concern of what your child should be. Who they have potential become. Naturally by default they will follow.
Begin with HEART CONNECTION.
Respect is the Holy grail of parenting.
3 different parenting style.
Authoritatian.
Like dictator. They frear. It’s call compliant. They just obey you. That not what you want. When they got older.. we will have great relationship. In some society, the relationship between adult and the father is only 10%. There’s something not go right.
The moment they got out of the house, they will be rebel. When they taste the freedom. I don’t just abandon, they even leave the opposite. Revolutions is always follow precaution. We people in the stage think about their reputation. Because you represent me! That the wrong perception. People have expectation. Don't make our kids in the that position.
Laissez - Faire
The parent is chilled. Don’t worry. Often in single parent. Wanting the children to like us and lack in boundaries. They try to Become child friends. They lose respect because you didn’t parent me.
Authoritative.
Very firm and loving. We set boundaries. Our children would think that the boundaries is a good idea. We understand the value and the relationship.
7 principle
Elevate your interest
What they love? What is the dynamic in their friendship. Get excited with what they excited even thou we didn't related. Kids love when we engage with them .
Get to know their music. I can in certain degree to take interest with their music. Even thou we think its so dark, and cheesy.
The goal is not we become passionate the thing, but we passionate about the child likes. Join in his Socmed. Follow their level interest.
2. Become an affective listener
Effective listener vs Affective listener. If you can listen well, repeating back again.. that is effective listener. Affective listener is... you take the emotions behind the impact. Listen to the emotions behind the information.
Hear the heart!
Tell me why this is important. When we connect with his heart.. you know more. Know from their perspective. The end result may not change. But when you stop, pause and validating their emotions. It matters for them.
Try this! This will make heart relations.
They will test you in the inappropriate time.
When you are busy. By the time you ignoring them, the chance they will not talk to you again. Or the level of emotions is different. The impact is different, if you give your 20 min after your business. that’s not how the way it works.
So, stop doing what you are doing for 30 sec or so. Let them said it. You are my most important priority. What you want to say is important to me. Granting for them 30 second. When its super urgent for the child is super value for them!
3. Make little connection.
The small everyday activity. Just driving in the car. Enjoy in anything that you can relate with them. It doesn't really matter what the are saying, but to connect with them. But don't agree anytime with them. Disagree first but end up agree. If you are agree on everything, you are fake. When we don’t agree in everything, we become authentic.
Communicating with them what we love when we watching them. Communicate how I feel about their art! You’ve got so much potential. Do Not communicating “this is good” “you are good” - that’s black and white. Communicate my emotional respond.. makes a heart and heart connection.
4. Teach good communication.
How’s that?
The better your family communication, the will come to seek help and advise from you and not from their friends and internet. Communication is the bedrock of success. Use dinner table to communicate. Life is busy. But if we didn't use this, we miss the opportunity.
Articulate them.
Children love to talk about their friend. They happy to spilled the beans as long not for them self
5. Encourage.. encourage.. encourage
Encourage their capacity. This tis the fastest way to cultivate growth. Fix thinking.. —- you are good, you are smart.. That’s not as sharp as you said: “You have potential!”
Black and white thinking is immature thinking.
There’s a room of improvement. Parent the heart and not the outcome. Parent the intention. don't parenting the behavior.
6. Love them extravagantly
Tack tile stimulation.
Touch them in healthy touch. Kiss them. Hug them! Holding their hand, put hand in the shoulder. Whatever opportunity. if they grow and doesn't know what is the healthy touch, they will have problem in the future.
The quality of father -daughter, set the future.
Praise our kids. Don't just said “good job!’. Be specific to them. There’s 3 step - praise sandwich. Communicate why you are so good. Tell them how it makes you feel them.
Extend grace. Our kids will makes mistake. This is called unconditional love. We are able to extend grace. We don't extend toxic grace. Theres a lot of ideology.. we need to compete with them.
Encourage you to use the wisdom. Talk to 12 years kids. I give them 1000 dollar in stocks in trust funds that they can received when they are getting marriage. But in order to get that they need to talk about several things. They can choose do they want to take it or not.
“What do you think about sex, pornography, drink?” Remember that they are still child. I’am aware that you will engaged this and that. Encouraging dialog. They know that I’m is their safe place to fall. Our kids love doing it.
Put some language and conversation with them. Build a nest egg.
The goal is so they can receive the give. Not the money, but to their spouse. So they are sex free, porn free. Imagine that!
My children have the opportunity to take it or not.
7. Take responsibility
As we cheer them on, it could be taft love. Professional pay to correct them. They pay big dollar to correction. Amateur do the opposite.
What we can do better..
True friends to this.. a friend who not challenge us, it’s not a true friend. It’s not being impressionist. But because we want to see you better. How to stop growth is having the victim mindset.
We can always choose how I respond. We can make some arrangement.
Victim mindset.
He got a lot attention from the struggle. And after the good time, the friend doesn't come. Because this particular people only show up in hardship. Sometimes is lonely when we are at the other side. People got attention in hardship. That’s not a message to your kids.
Everyone experience hardship. We all still have an responsibility to respond.
Two people have the same hardship, they could choose 2 different path!
The father having a drinking problem. The kids have drunk problem because they saw the father like that. The other one choose not to be like their father.
SWAYADAI ... so what do you want to about it!
When the child take their own responsibility.
The definition of victim mindset: I don't want to get out from it
Jesus talk about the story of rich guy and lazarus. Get somebody else to do something. You are stay because the choose too.
If you are in the hell. Choose to go out and climb!
You giving two option.. give the ultimatum. It’s their responsibility. Make sure it happen. You mean what you said. In that moment they start to respect you. Follow true what your option.
Let’s grow ourselves.
Welcome back to Instagram. Sign in to check out what your friends, family & interests have been capturing & sharing around the world.
Personal notes:
Dr Robi Sonderegger is a Clinical Psychologist and great communicator. I never get boring with his teaching. He combined the science and scripture of God.
